Grandparents can serve as an important support system
for Grandchildren and Adult Kids alike.
By Casey Clark
As conversations regarding emotional intelligence have become more normalized, many Parents and Grandparents have done the work to learn about emotional regulation and become more in tune with their feelings. Even though there’s a common notion that grandparents and those from older generations are stuck in their ways, some are willing to change. And many Caregivers—Parents and Grandparents alike—are working to become stronger emotionally to nurture and support their kids differently than how they were raised.
Whether a Grandparent realizes any mistakes they made as a Parent or not, they might be more open-minded than ever, looking for ways to work on self-improvement and help make their own lives better and those of their families. We can’t speak for all families, but it seems that more grandparents are looking to be a more positive presence.
“Emotionally strong grandparents know their role isn’t to redo parenting,” says Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D, a licensed school and clinical Child Psychologist in New Jersey. “Instead, they create a safe, supportive ‘second circle’ around the Family that nurtures security rather than tension.”
In the same vein, emotionally strong Grandparents bring both a lifetime of knowledge and a curiosity in getting to know their Grandchildren, according to Dr. Erica Kalkut, PhD, LP, a Pediatric Neuropsychologist and Executive Clinical Director at LifeStance.
“They are not afraid to share what they have learned and believe to be important and respect the autonomy of both their Children and their Grandchildren,” she tells Parade. “And [they] are present in their lives in ways that convey their love and desire to see the younger family generations succeed.”
Ahead, Parade spoke with Child Psychologists about what Emotional Strength is and seven things Emotionally Strong Grandparents do differently.
What Is ‘Emotional Strength,’ Exactly?
According to Amy Dykstra, MEd, registered Child Psychologist in Calgary and owner of Bluebird Psychology, “Emotional Strength” refers to how well someone can feel and Express their Emotions in a Healthy Way.
“It doesn’t mean that someone never feels sadness, anger, frustration, irritability, etc., but rather, when they do have an emotion, they can express it and manage it using appropriate and healthy coping tools,” Dykstra explains. “People who have Emotional Strength can better Identify their Emotions, use positive tools for managing their emotions and ‘bounce back’ from difficult emotions faster, demonstrating greater resiliency.”
It’s important to note that emotional strength doesn’t come naturally for most people—it’s a skill that takes practice, like most things in Life.
“You need to take time and put in energy to develop your ’emotional strength’ toolbox, and you can learn these tools by first noticing how you are currently responding to difficult emotions,” she says. “If you begin to sense that you are relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms, or could simply use some additional strategies, reach out to people in your life to see how they deal with things, research some different approaches online (there are so many wonderful resources available for free online) or connect with a Counselor or Psychologist who can help guide you.”
7 Things Emotionally Strong Grandparents Do Differently, According to Child Psychologists
1. They don’t try to take control of what’s best for their grandkids
Emotionally strong Grandparents recognize that their Adult Children know their family’s needs best. And that includes respecting how their kids parent their own offspring, from curfews to what they can watch on TV and more.
“For example, if your child says, ‘We can’t stay at Thanksgiving dinner past seven because bedtime will be a mess,’ you honor that request,” says Dr. Koslowitz. “It might be disappointing, but toddlers rely heavily on predictable routines, so once you are out of the day-to-day, it is easy to forget just how much those rhythms matter and respecting those limits sends a powerful message: ‘I trust you to know what’s right for your Family.'”
2. They ask permission before giving advice
We all know those people who like to give their two cents where it’s not welcome because they think they know better. When it comes to emotionally strong Grandparents, they typically ask for permission before giving advice.
“Unsolicited advice often lands as judgment, even when it is well-intentioned,” Dr. Koslowitz explains. “Emotionally strong Hrandparents check first: ‘I have some thoughts about sleep schedules. Would you like to hear them?’ Asking permission protects trust, keeps conversations collaborative and models respect for boundaries.”
3. They model healthy boundaries
In recent years, conversations regarding having and setting healthy boundaries have come to the forefront, especially within Families.
“Emotionally strong Grandparents model Healthy Boundaries within the Relationship with their Grandchild and externally, with others,” Dykstra says. “Healthy Boundaries help teach Children essential skills, such as respecting themselves and others, resolving conflicts effectively and understanding what constitutes a Healthy Relationship.”
For example, if a Child tells a Grandparent they don’t want to give them a hug right now, the Grandparents back off and respect the Child’s autonomy instead of trying to make them feel bad in the moment.
“They validate feelings and experiences without rushing to solve or dismiss, allowing Children to feel heard and empowered,” says Lorraine Madden, a Child and Adolescent Educational Psychologist based in Kilkenny, Ireland.
4. They validate without undermining
According to Dr. Koslowitz, emotionally strong Grandparents know how to validate without undermining them.
“When a Grandchild complains, ‘Daddy’s so mean. He won’t let me have ice cream,’ emotionally strong Grandparents empathize: ‘I know that’s disappointing,'” she explains. “But they gently reinforce the structure: ‘Let’s find a snack your Dad said yes to.’ This supports both the Child’s feelings and the Parent–Child connection.”
Additionally, Madden says that emotionally strong Grandparents understand the importance of Parental Autonomy and collaborative caregiving within a family unit.
“They offer calm, attuned emotional presence during dysregulation, helping Children feel safe and soothed without imposing control or shame,” she adds.
5. They manage their own triggers
Everyone has triggers of some kind, but emotionally strong Grandparents know how to manage and regulate these big emotions, especially around Grandchildren and their own Adult Children.
“Grandchildren can stir up big feelings, including nostalgia, regrets and echoes of their own parenting mistakes,” says Dr. Koslowitz. “Emotionally strong Grandparents notice those triggers but do not act on them, and by staying calm when plans change or when a toddler melts down, they teach Grandchildren that big feelings are survivable and reassure everyone that the grown-ups can handle whatever comes up.”
6. They model how to cope with failure
According to Dr. Koslowitz, when an emotionally strong Grandparent encounters something difficult, they model perseverance, effective problem-solving and healthy emotional coping.
“We fail so much throughout life, and learning how to cope with failure is a massive skill that Children need to learn in order to more successfully navigate the ups and downs of adulthood,” she says.
7. They communicate openly
Emotionally strong Grandparents do not assume things, but instead communicate with parents and Grandchildren.
“They ask instead, ‘Do you want me to handle discipline while I’m babysitting, or would you rather I call you?'” explains Dr. Koslowitz. “These conversations keep everyone aligned and reassure Children that the Adults around them are working as a Team.”
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