By Janet Vargas - Owner Of This Website
I really feel for Grown-Up Kids who have had things hard with their Parents - a lack of Attention, Affection etc. And I can just imagine the regret and concern in some Parents when they realize what they've done. Some parents really don't care much for their Kids like they should - every Child we bring on this Earth is entitled to that - and many Parents are caught up in what's happening to or around them and they do not Cope well, to give their Children the Emotional Security they need.
When their Child is in late teens to early 20s, they may have found company of Peers that seem to have given them more acceptance and made them to feel important to someone, after years of aching on the inside through lack of Care shown at Home. And now, some Parents are learning the consequences of what they did not offer their Kids - they are deeply concerned about other company they have found.
JANET'S OBSERVATIONS
Through the years, here in Australia, I have met quite a few Good Parents when I'm out in public, it is a real pleasure to see - the interaction with their kids. And I have seen lots of not-so-good parents and bad ones too, who have caused me such concern, I felt very deeply some months ago to start a Website for Parents and Kids. Even though I don't have lots of Kids, I feel I have some things to contribute, and some Parents have told me I do.
JANET'S STORY
When my Child was preteens, I became very ill and we were deprived of the wonderful times I panned for us when I purchased a Car and began to drive. We had only a few short Car Trip Holidays before something Medical affected me adversely and caused us much grief. Through trying to make it through each day, he did not get the amount of attention and interaction he was used to with me. I have apologised to him for that duration of time we went through because I felt it was very important to do that.
THE IMPORTANCE OF AN APOLOGY
Some of you need to learn how to apologise to your Child/Children and live consistently with that. There are so many Children and Grown-Up Children whose Parents have never thought to Apologise to them.
Be it a Mum or Dad or Both, those things can be very damaging. Their children can grow up with real problems communicating and insecurity issues; lacking a sense of direction and principles to live by. They can grow up frustrated or lost in the world around them.
Maybe they get mixed up in the wrong group because they seem to be taking an interest in them. Some find it difficult to fit in, so they become loners - they don't find much to do because parental disinterest has stayed with them as some kind of carry-over from their upbringing and has never been addressed.
If that is/was you, I really Feel for You.
I have stayed up well pass Midnight to address these matters, after a Very Nice Day Because I Care!
You need to understand where your Child/Children are coming from.
FOR CARING PEOPLE and PARENTS
Some of these kids jump at the first lot of company (acceptance) they can find without discretion or caution. Sometimes they feel needed and this brings a sense of acceptance. So don't pick on their way of life or the company they got into - they feel very strongly about that. And often they feel understood by others with a similar background. They're hungry for love deep down and long to feel valued - so Mateship is the next best thing to them, it gives them a sense of belonging.
So unless you can make them a better offer and maybe that's too late, because they feel accepted - it's "Count me In" for them - they've found Identity after not having any with their Parents…………."don't pick on my Friends" is their reaction deep down. It's a better deal than they had when they were growing up.
Looking at the company they found for themselves is a Good Picture to them (totally different to your picture of things) and the one who takes the most notice of them has their respect and gratitude (having regard for their wishes and what is important to them) for reasons understood. It's like you are asking them to break that Bond of Trust and affection they have developed, for something questionable to them. So I would not question or pick on their choice of company if you are trying to get somewhere with these young people - you will not get a good reception.
Instead, I would be Supportive of the young person deep down with their needs unmet as a Child, just accept them as they are, show you are there for them, with Unconditional Respect, having regard for their wishes and what is important to them.
This doesn't mean that you have to approve of their company and activities but you accept their PERSON rather than looking down on their affiliations. Because so often, that IS where a Young Person found Acceptance AND Someone who First took Notice of Them. Don't try to compete with that because you will be perceived as attacking them. No, you will not Win their Favor that way - you will lose their trust instantly. Because they have developed Trust in that Peer - maybe a bond of affection lacking from their parents (you're just a New Comer.)
CAN I SAY THESE THINGS?
It is my belief that a couple really needs to be Ready and Equipped to have Children, not just financially but Emotionally Mature and have a sense of Good Values to bring a Child up with - especially in these times, more than ever. We need to consider in advance how much do we have to Offer a Child and stay true to that Commitment throughout their upbringing. Not "it would be nice to have a baby"...........extra income, whatever. Can you handle the various commitments having a Child entails, not just a Baby (a cute little bundle of love) because usually speaking, each of them Live for a Lifetime. That's a very long time to live with whatever thoughts and feelings we Instill, Evoke or Suppress in them. Truly it is. So please be adequately prepared, and if you're not - work on it first: any insecurity issues, fluctuating mood levels, emotional imbalances, ability to calmly and wisely work things out are as important as a babies room and good nutrition that some couples arrange.
This will benefit you as well - you will be glad you did. Work at Wholeness, the more Wholeness we can give a Child, the stronger and resilient they become. I even heard many years ago that if we Laugh with our Child/Children often, they grow up with Better Cope in life.
IF YOU'RE THAT PARENT and YOU HAVE FOUND JESUS
Maybe you're that Parent and you have found Jesus - it will take time for them to recognise the Change in You can be trusted and it's there to stay!
Pictures from upbringing are strong - it takes time to build Trust, to replace that picture with the New One, even though they can see your manner is different.
You're going to Need to PRAY More than you Speak. Apart from expressing Repentance (change of heart) to that Child like my Dad did with us - Story HERE
I would say very little, listen to them and take interest in them. Let them adjust to what they See in you, not so much what they hear. Reconciliation Takes Time. Some may respond immediately to that New Found Love in you, many don't, it will take Time to Win their Favour. Once again, do not compete - respect their wishes, be there for them, be consistent.
Many times, the person they trust (the most) is their Hero in place of the Father they missed out on. Regardless of the age of that person - they've found something in them they did not have as a Child - the person they look up to. If you reject their Peer, you are rejecting them. Their Comfort Zone, so to speak. They will not thank you for that.
This calls for the LOVE of JESUS I know - you will not be able to show this kind of Love in your own strength - and they will want to See how Genuine your Love is. Be Patient and Wait, it's a Process. It may be a case of "Hide and Seek"……..they HIDE their Feelings and you SEEK Jesus in Prayer. And as you continue to do so faithfully, things can gradually move under the surface with their feelings. Allow them that privacy.
Sometimes a few assuring words can agree with them - not too many because if you're verbal with them it can be perceived as pressure. "I've found my way in life, where were you?" They may even say "What have you got yourself mixed up in?" OR they're thinking "What's all these words about, what does he/she want from me?"…………"There it is, he/she wants me to change my lifestyle" ……Remember, over time we Lose their Trust (past tense) over time we Gain their Trust (present tense).
Occasionally a young person may say to themselves like I did when my Brother found Jesus "It's OK for him but that's not for me" and respect you for it because they can see it doing something for you. That will not be an invitation to impose. My dad wanted to hug and hug me after years of separation from me of his making (he was conveying something unspoken or wanted to continue from where he left off). I really didn't know where he was coming from or how to handle that (many years before he found Jesus).
Let them learn it's Safe to Trust - take your time and be Consistent.
I can tell you this, a Real JESUS in your life will appeal to some (when they can see what He's Really About in your heart and life) but Not a Religious or Churchy Jesus!
Be careful of showing Excitement - they won't know what to make of that.
If they can See the LOVE, the WISDOM and RESPONSE on a sustained basis (only Jesus can give you that) these will mean more than anything else.
Remember to SEEK and PRAY……..Ask Jesus to show up in tangible ways to them…….Blessings from God.
They need to see "CHRIST in YOU…..the HOPE of Glory"……..This way, in time, He can Become Their Story too! Hey?
GOD BLESS!